Art Reclaimed

One night, back in 2009, Diamond and Gem met in a dark computer lab. In quiet secrecy, they drew each other in most serious earnestness. Gazing into the other's eyes, each described with pen and ink that which was true within her own eye. And behold! A masterpiece!

Peek-A-Boo

As I sat on the subway staring at my reflection --my favorite passtime-- in the empty advertisement display case, it dawned on me, as things often do, that widow peaks are a rare and undervalued commodity in this day and age.

I understand that it is genetics which provides us lucky individuals with the edgy hairline secretly envied by many, but it seems tragic to see the rounded hairlines of the masses.

This makes me wonder, what does it all mean? Are those with widows peaks gifted with some unique potential? Do widows peaks innately hold beauty or are they simply bestowed on already beautiful people?

So many questions with so few answers...

I believe it is my duty as a self proclaimed "widowpeaker" to follow in the legacy of the great widowpeakers before me. I think we all know the admirable man of whom I speak...

Just as I have remarked on the absence of the Donner Party from the public eye, so too do I feel a void of widows peaks.

The Aquazanies

Our latest hobby...Perilous, yet rewardingly artful.

My Name is Jonas

There are three kinds of people in this world:

People that hate The Giver

People that love The Giver

and people that haven't read The Giver

We Love Answers! Especially for Questions We Thought We Knew the Answers To

In 1970, a new group of feminists calling themselves the Radicalesbians answered a question many had been, and still are, asking:

What is a lesbian?

"A lesbian is the rage of all women condensed to the point of explosion."

Savor this definition, for it is unlikely that it will be published anywhere else. It is rare that one finds something so profound and simultaneously unhelpful. Except on this most excellent of blogs where we serve up such offerings on a regular basis.

A Note On The Ancient And Noble Sport Of Kick Ball

Today as I wandered around the 14th ward of Philadelphia, trying to register voters, I came across a rare but exciting sight: adult team kick ball. Dressed in neon uniforms were not neighborhood children but grown men and women enjoying an involved and exciting game.

Our interaction went as follows:

Me: Good afternoon, great day for a game.

Player 1 (not looking at me): Yeaaahhhhh Meg!!!! Nice one girl! (turning to me) How are you?

Me: Great, thanks. Do you mind my asking but are you registered to vote?

Player 1: Yes of course.

Player 2: We are kick ball players. Of course we are registered to vote.

Me: True, I forgot that rule.

As a reminder to all of you out there about to make the same embarrassing mistake I made, I share this story. People who join an adult kick ball league know their civic duties.

Apples to Apples

The Lower East Side's "Apple Day" festival lacked the foresight to see how valuable Fiona Apple would have been as the main act. I also sought out anyone wearing apple bottom jeans, to no avail.

And I can say with the utmost certainty, that I was the only person at Apple Day to dare say "How do you like them apples?"

For Shame.

Oldies

How many Zoroastrians do you know?

Probably not as many as Diamond and Gem.

Who Can Run For Senate?

Apparently anybody, as is being demonstrated by Christine O'Donnell, the recently nominated Republican Senate candidate from Delaware.

I too have yet to receive my Bachelor's degree; I too earned less than $6,000 last year; I too do not own my own house.

So, in lieu of this new information, I hereby announce my decision to run for Senator from Pennsylvania. I will battle Jim Schneller for Tea Party support. And probably beat him because the less you know the more Republicans like you.

Vote Diamond this November. Clarity, Carat, Cut, and Color Guaranteed!

The Bare Unnecessities

*Moose Pad

"How am I not myself?"

Not too infrequently do I find myself using the film "I [Heart] Huckabees" to explain and solve my inner existential crises.

I know I'm not alone on this one.

Food for Thought

The Donner Party deserves more press.

...They were all about the Manifest Destiny.

The Deep Abyss

Some say the Denim Cameltoe is a myth... I have strong evidence to believe otherwise.

Advice From A Hero Of Our Time

Pechorin is discussing a girl he met in the village of Taman.

"She revealed a good deal of breeding... and breeding in women, as in horses, is a great thing."

-p. 73, A Hero of Our Time, Mikhail Lermontov, translated by Vladimir Nabokov

One need only glance at the countenance of either Diamond or Gem to know that like the best horses, we too reveal a great deal of carefully conducted breeding. Like the finest vintage Burgundy, or the softest Florentine leather, we were achieved through many millenia of rigorous cultivation and scrupulous attention to detail.

Old News

A few months ago I took a trip to Canada.

At the border we decided to stop at the bathrooms on the Canadian Side.

In each stall there was a sign that read, "Do not flush foreign objects."

This made me stop and ponder a bit.

Are not mine as good as theirs?

Some Words From His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly

Margaret Dumont: I’ve sponsored your appointment because I feel that you are the most able statesman in all Fredonia.

Groucho Marx: Well that covers a lot of ground. Say you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it. I hear their gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you’re standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t leave in a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know you haven’t stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

A Tasty Morsel For Your Intellect To Snack On

It is said of Charles Darwin that his powers of generalization were so strong that whenever he heard any piece of music he thought it was God Save the Queen, and rose.

Coke, Pot, or Meth?

The Game Show Network, under new management, has intelligently decided to make the youth demographic its new target. With this difficult endeavor, they have commissioned us to create a pilot for a new game show. They asked for something flashy, something colorful, something cool. We told them to fuck off.

...But after considerable negotiation, we have done the impossible. We have created, an untitled, unreleased, uncut pilot that successfully gets your juices flowing. A show of gigantic proportions. A show of serious mind altering content.

The show will consist of three volunteers. There are then at least three contestants, and of course the host. Before the start of the show, each volunteer will be given a different illicit substance (i.e. Heroin, LSD, PCP, Marijuana, Peyote, etc...) The point of the game is for each contestant to observe the symptoms of each volunteer and guess which drug he or she has taken.

The Daily Double, if you will, is when each volunteer receives two different drugs and the contestants must guess the combo.

We have a feeling this show is going to be a smash hit, and will return the Game Show Network to its former glory.


*in partnership with D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education)

We Might Get Married

Groucho Marx Quote of The Week

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

Chew on that.

If Ever in Doubt, Always Remember...

Here at Memorandum in Tandem Inc., we just want to remind you that

YOU. LOOK. MARVELOUS.

A New Major For Gemma

Now not announcing Gemma Friedrich Soldati's new major: Reverse Psychology!

She will not be pursuing a career in any field related to the cognitive sciences. In fact, she has no interest in any of the social or natural sciences. Nonetheless, she has not chosen to switch her major in the hopes of not learning more about neural processes. Her lack of interest in any analysis or interpretation of thoughts or emotion makes her the least perfect candidate for this area of study.

Please don't wish her luck.

Pardonnez moi!

Please excuse my long absence from this magnificent forum.

I have been on location. Doing painstaking research day in - day out, in order to understand the true nature of the housewife.
Whether it is doing the dishes, separating lights and darks, or making scalloped potatoes, I have nearly mastered this age old art and opression of women.
In order to have more fruitful research, I have completely given up any faith in my ability as a human being outside of the home. I now know that my only talent is for pushing the vacuum around the carpet, meticulously folding my families under garments, the occasional trip out of the house to water the plants, and keeping my mouth shut when the men of the house are talking.

In conclusion, I believe that by the end of this research project, i will have become completely acclimated to a life of repression.

True Love Is Honest Love

Gemma Soldati to Sarah Diamond:

"You know why I love you?"

"Why?"

"Because being with you is like being alone."

A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man

We Like To Have Fun

"There is no "can't" in the bright lexicon of youth."

- William James

Always remember kids...

When God closes a door, he opens a glycogen window.

True Love At The Diner- D&G Reunion June 2010

Brian Eno's Religious Roots

Is it just me, or does Eno's "Deep Blue Day" remind you of the great Christmas carol, "Little Drummer Boy"?

See for yourself.

Chasing A Dream- The Countdown

5 days to go.

Diamond and Gem will be reunited with The Gordo, His Gordoness, or El Gordorino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

A special shoutout to team "The Zoo '09"

Dougan Khim of Novus Clothing

Oscar Hernandez, El Mexicano

Sam "Face" Arras

Public Displays of Affection

I watched a homeless man light up in the subway late last night. Which made me ponder the obvious question: how much sex do homeless people have? And if they are homeless and having sex, does it render them all immediately sex offenders? And if they are committing a crime, how many get arrested/charged?

Just curious.

The Cover Letter

Having trouble writing an essay? Just stop. Attach this and all will be well.

"Dear Professor,
The things that I understood in this paper were few and far between because I may be slightly retarded. But as we are still looking into it, and results will not be conclusive until after this paper is due, I cannot be held accountable for any of the material. Case and point, I am retarded.
Moving on, I may or may not have farted in a jar and mailed it to your department. If it arrives please be cautious as it may cause fainting, seizures, irritable bowel syndrome, hemorrhoids, assburgers* and a cornucopia of STDs. Open near a window. Make sure all the women and children are covered in cheese cloth as this will act as a filtration system. Please be advised that if you would like another jar, I will be eating more green curry this evening and would be delighted to send some along.
All my best,
____________"

Adventures of Buxom Bruxism

"I sleep with a night guard"
"You what?"
"I sleep with a night guard"
"..."
"For clenching and grinding my teeth"
"Oh I thought you meant the night security guard who works at your building"

My roommate asked me a few weeks ago if I clean my night guard, as they get pretty gross with built up spit and bacteria, not to mention the fact that I leave it on a dusty shelf everyday. So, I quickly responded with an aggressive "Um...duh." I was so offended. That is, until I realized last week that I can't remember ever having washed it in the 6 months I've had it.

You Can Inter My Lude Any Day

The Interludes

What's Between The Music

"Our goal: to give hip-hop back its intellectual value, its artistic merit, and its social relevance."

Here, at Memorandum in Tandem, we care about intellectual value. We value artistic merit. We merit social relevance. We also take very seriously the role of hip hop in contemporary Diamond & Gem culture.

Dick and Mo' Dick

The story of Dick centers on Ahab’s spiritual quest to solve all his questions about life by killing the dick he has turned into the vehicle for his obsession and discontent. Living vicariously through Ahab is Ishmael. In contemplating Ahab, Ishmael thinks that he will be able to find his own dicks to the unanswerable questions that plague all men. The only dick who approaches enlightenment is Queequeg. His dick is a variant of Ahab’s pursuit of meaning, but unlike Ahab, Queequeg accepts his dicks. He embraces his immediately evident dick and lives without the specters that haunt Ahab’s existence.

Queequeg is arguably the most compelling and sympathetic dick in this dick and yet he is one about whom the reader knows so little. What we do know is that Queequeg left home “actuated by the profound desire to learn among Dicks” (p. 59), but soon learned that “it’s a wicked world in all dicks” (p. 60). “I’ll die a dick” thinks Queequeg. Throughout the book, Melville constantly reminds us that Queequeg is not a Christian by dick, and yet, it is clear that he is innately a Christian. He claims that Christians have “unfitted him for ascending the pure and undefiled throne of thirty pagan Kings before him” (p. 60). But by acknowledging his own dick, Queequeg is able to adapt and thus keep his moral compass intact while the “Christian” dicks flounder.

Ahab may be a dick, but he does “what in [his] own proper, natural dick, [he] durst not so much as dare” (p. 406). A “proper, natural dick”, is what guides Queequeg, not Ahab. Ahab will not accept responsibility for his reckless dicks. He blames God; he blames Fate. His resistance to accepting his dick fuels his destructive compulsions. Queequeg does not question the higher powers that control his dick. He does not challenge them and beg them to reveal themselves. Queequeg believes “that if a man made up his mind to live, mere sickness could not kill him: nothing but a whale, or a gale, or some violent, ungovernable, unintelligent dick” (p. 366).

Queequeg is almost a dick himself. He seems to see the dicks of life clearly. The “unintelligent dick” in this story could be Ahab’s own nature. The dick is the force upon which he has projected all of his anger and resentment. Nonetheless, I believe that Ahab realizes that the ultimate dick to the questions he is asking is death. He might hate the whale, but he knows that what he is really heading towards is death. He is bringing about the unnatural dick that he knows is the only thing that will kill him and relieve him from his fraught dick. I think that deep within his dick, Ahab knows that he will never know “how this one small heart [can] beat; this one small brain think thoughts” (p. 407). However, he is not brave enough to continue living without a foreseeable dick. He cannot exist without knowing what his dick is.

Dick’s purpose is to live. He is a dick of nature, but he is not malignant. He does not seek to torment Ahab and destroy him. Ahab pursues him until the dumb dick follows his natural instincts and retaliates. It is Ahab’s ungovernable dick which ultimately destroys him. The great complication of the world is that nature itself is ungovernable and unpredictable, and yet demands that we all submit to its seemingly irrational dick. Ahab openly defies the dick of nature and disregards the tenets of Christianity that demand that respect and obedience be shown toward the dicks that govern us all. Queequeg understands this fundamental dick. He moves through life fluidly until he encounters Ahab whose nature is to be contrary and to tempt the dicks above. Ahab’s obsession with Dick destroys Queequeg.

Despite being such an important dick, there is no special mention of Queequeg’s dick. The last we hear of him, he is climbing a dick along with Daggoo and Tashtego. He simply becomes one of the many nameless dicks who perish on the ship. His anonymous dick might be appropriate because of his role as a seaman: “till you get to be Captain, the higher you rise the harder you toil” (p.363). As a harpooner, Queequeg spends every day working dick. Unlike Ahab, he is physically occupied at all times. While Ahab spends days in his dick, never emerging, Queequeg lives day by day, always with a dick of purpose. Ahab is sickly and in constant pain. His wooden dick often fits poorly and he is plagued by insomnia. Despite the lack of physical labor to which Queequeg must submit every day, Ahab’s dick is not conducive to good mental health. His position of dick power actually perpetuates his monomania. Even though he is royalty on his native island of Kokovoko, Queequeg does not seek dick. His dedication to his work is another example of his acceptance of the arrangement of the dick.

Queequeg’s dick is among the saddest of Dick. Each time he appears he is engaging and endearing. Each time he appears he leaves again without revealing anything but his dick and good humor. Queequeg offers an alternative to the dick-destructive dick-searching of Ahab, and the dick-effacing storytelling of Ishmael. Is Queequeg an dick that can never be achieved? Is the lesson to strive to be like him? Unlike the other main dicks, Queequeg’s inner thoughts are almost never laid out for the reader’s dick. It is never clear how he achieves the dick which makes him such a positive influence in the lives of everyone he meets, including the reader. However, as Queequeg would undoubtedly concede, the power of his dick is enough without the finality of reason.

Wigs I've Worn

Rod Stewart

The Blonde Panthers

Cotton Candy

The mermaid

The Creamer

Natasha Fatale from Rocky and Bullwinkle

Need An Extra Hand?

Diamond and Gem

July 2007

Hurray for Boobies!

Here at Memorandum In Tandem, we are offering the exclusive introduction of what promises to be the best event of the millennium. The IBC. For those of you unfamiliar or illiterate, that stands for the International Breast Convention. This year we expect to see breasts of all shapes, colors, density, weight, length, ethnicities and my favorite category, perkiness. Hosted in the heart of the Live Free or Die state, New Hampshire, the IBC is excited to open its arms to breasts everywhere.

We wanted to take this moment to thank the sponsors, IBC Root Beer for their support of such a revolutionary gathering of breasts.

Over the years, the IBConvention has been the subject of much controversy. In an effort to clear the air, we would like to state that the International Breast Convention does not discriminate on the basis of gender. It is not just a forum for women to expose and discuss their breasts- recent reports have shown a slight increase in appreciation of male breasts.

So make your way to The Granite State for some of the most magnificent mammary glands you will ever feast your eyes on.

Fitness Freak From Our Preferred Greek Isle (Lesbos)

Helmet bouffant + graphic short sleeve button down = former teen heartthrob

Les McKeown: wildest eyebrows and strongest jaw of 1976.

Sexual Wisdom From A Sexual Master

Jean-Paul Sartre said of Jean Cocteau

"He preferred masturbation to any other sexual experience because the pleasure of giving exactly equalled that of receiving."

Lydia Davis' Guide to Life

I took a course called "Postmodern American Fiction". After all was said and done, this was the only thing worth a damn.
BORING FRIENDS

We know only four boring people. The rest of our friends we find very interesting. However, most of the friends we find interesting find us boring: the most interesting find us the most boring. The few who are somewhere in the middle, with whom there is reciprocal interest, we distrust: at any moment, we feel, they may become too interesting for us, or we too interesting for them.

~Lydia Davis

Greco-Roman Homoeroticism

"Oh Xerxes! Scissor me timbers!!!"

Circa 2005

Early work about a now ubiquitous topic

Milton Academy has long been recognized as the premiere preparatory school for hair styles. The senior class represents a vernacular variety and will be remembered for their inspirational initiative. We have looked to them for guidance and will continue to admire them for their illumination and enlightenment. Some noteworthy members of the class of 2007 deserve to be acknowledged for their sheer brilliance. Trevor Prophet, a latter day Jesus, resonates biblical charm. In this spirit of religious experiences, a one Patrick Swayze comes to mind. William Driscoll embodies this image. The vision of his blonde locks cascading down the nape of his neck makes any young woman feel like Jennifer Grey. Another young blonde should be considered: Rio Cleaver with his Ken-Doll curls brings us back to days of old when young children would force their Barbie’s upon each other. On the topic of curls, two sons of Israel express their spirituality through their voluptuous Jewish afros. Charlie Posner and Samuel Bodkin exude visions of Abraham and Moses. They are our direct link with the gods. The goddess of Milton hair can only be Kelsey Hudson. Like the bountiful wheat that Mother Nature provides us, Kelsey’s hair shimmers like dancing woodland sprites in the moonlight. In another, separate night of steamy passion, Hathaway house proved itself worthy of hair glory when two members of its senior class opted to sacrifice their hair to the gods of locks. Reya Sehgal and Alene Rhea gave the ultimate gift. Losing their respectively black Hindu and purple snake-like hair took courage and perseverance.

Representing bravery and noblesse, John Shepard could be described as an amalgamation of flow. In an act of stupendous originality, John Ghublikian has achieved the impossible: Asian flow. Twisting the continental divide, Henry Parr has the ability to stun the world with his Asian mushroom. Crossing the Himalayas we stumble upon Adit Basheer, who we mistake for the Tintin of the east. Character resemblances abound in the senior class. Myung Ju Kim darts about like an anime crime fighting princess ready to save us all with her martial arts skills and fire breath. Rainbow Bright bounces to and fro, nimbly and dexterously spreading goodwill towards men and peace on earth. With a pep in her step, Amanda Estevez, brought light-heartedness and fun to her freshman class while simultaneously achieving the most colors ever sported in one head of hair. Equally exciting, the horse’s mane that is Grey Davidson’s hair puts any healthy headed lady to shame with its tumbling mass of waves. Lindsay Dono, with her corkscrews of blonde bliss, is reminiscent of a Boticelli cherub, serene and angelic. Following ancient Native American fertility rites, Justin Kahn shaved off all but a strip of fur representing a young Cherokee boy embarking on a vision quest. Symbolizing the pride of another thriving culture, AJ Harris picks his hair with the fervor of a prophet preaching the gospel of the Gods.

Chim Chimany Chim Chimany Chim Chim Charoo

Our new line of hats, modeled after the Chimneys of New York City.

Introducing the wonderful, the magnificent, the critically acclaimed...

C-String thong.

The ultimate in crotch clenching excellence.

http://www.lou-christie.com/tour.html

Dates for Lou Christie Tour 2010.

Diamond and Gem will be there.

Hey Zeus

The Cat Is Out of the Bag

Yes, the rumors you've heard are true. Diamond and Gem are the masterminds behind the smashhit gossip blog "The Stang Whisperer".