Apples to Apples

The Lower East Side's "Apple Day" festival lacked the foresight to see how valuable Fiona Apple would have been as the main act. I also sought out anyone wearing apple bottom jeans, to no avail.

And I can say with the utmost certainty, that I was the only person at Apple Day to dare say "How do you like them apples?"

For Shame.

Oldies

How many Zoroastrians do you know?

Probably not as many as Diamond and Gem.

Who Can Run For Senate?

Apparently anybody, as is being demonstrated by Christine O'Donnell, the recently nominated Republican Senate candidate from Delaware.

I too have yet to receive my Bachelor's degree; I too earned less than $6,000 last year; I too do not own my own house.

So, in lieu of this new information, I hereby announce my decision to run for Senator from Pennsylvania. I will battle Jim Schneller for Tea Party support. And probably beat him because the less you know the more Republicans like you.

Vote Diamond this November. Clarity, Carat, Cut, and Color Guaranteed!

The Bare Unnecessities

*Moose Pad

"How am I not myself?"

Not too infrequently do I find myself using the film "I [Heart] Huckabees" to explain and solve my inner existential crises.

I know I'm not alone on this one.

Food for Thought

The Donner Party deserves more press.

...They were all about the Manifest Destiny.

The Deep Abyss

Some say the Denim Cameltoe is a myth... I have strong evidence to believe otherwise.

Advice From A Hero Of Our Time

Pechorin is discussing a girl he met in the village of Taman.

"She revealed a good deal of breeding... and breeding in women, as in horses, is a great thing."

-p. 73, A Hero of Our Time, Mikhail Lermontov, translated by Vladimir Nabokov

One need only glance at the countenance of either Diamond or Gem to know that like the best horses, we too reveal a great deal of carefully conducted breeding. Like the finest vintage Burgundy, or the softest Florentine leather, we were achieved through many millenia of rigorous cultivation and scrupulous attention to detail.

Old News

A few months ago I took a trip to Canada.

At the border we decided to stop at the bathrooms on the Canadian Side.

In each stall there was a sign that read, "Do not flush foreign objects."

This made me stop and ponder a bit.

Are not mine as good as theirs?

Some Words From His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly

Margaret Dumont: I’ve sponsored your appointment because I feel that you are the most able statesman in all Fredonia.

Groucho Marx: Well that covers a lot of ground. Say you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it. I hear their gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you’re standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t leave in a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know you haven’t stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.